(1) When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
(2) When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
(3) When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
(4) When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
(5) When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
(6) When you are confused - I will use small words.
(7) When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have!
(8) When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.